Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
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