There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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