Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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