So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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