dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
