i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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