He disabled his match.com account in front of me
I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
Randomize
