now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
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