I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Randomize
