The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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