All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
