tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
Randomize
