And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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