I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Randomize
