His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
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