My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
I want to fling myself into the sun
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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