bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
