So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
