he wants to bone in the snuggie
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Randomize
