I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
