I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
I think my fart just growled at me.
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
