I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I look better un-naked...
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Randomize
