My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
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