So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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