I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
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