umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
