Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
