Good luck man
I dont need it. Shes easy.
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
