So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
