I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
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