Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Randomize
