WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
