Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
YAS. BRING CRAB.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
