i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
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