just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
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