I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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