I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
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