halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
