Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
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