I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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