WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
