Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Hippo gnu deer
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
