I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I feel like death gave me a hand job
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
