Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
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