I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
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