nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
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