i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Randomize
