my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Randomize
