woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
And then my night got REAL pukey
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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