I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
